Tuesday, November 15, 2005

My Dear Men -

I was about to get this post out there long ago.But it took a great post from my friend and favorite blogger to give me that final push. Indians(men and women) apparently have a lot of clarity of intent when it comes to making that big decision of their lives.In other words, you are less likely to hear a " I dont think I am ready for a commitment, there is too much going on in my life!" type fluff from an Indian born.
Come 25-26 and a nice cushy job, the desi is all set to take the plunge - Man or Woman. The Indian remained (and in some sane quarters still remains) unfazed by the American dating paradigm -
" Lets see if this works"!
" I think it is crucial to live together before we get married."

Although you might hear a couple of
" I need to marry into a Brahmin family"
" I need to marry a girl who cooks like my mom."

Honestly,I might as well have written the above as my mom. Enter Salaam Namaste. With all the girls (Indian and otherwise) available to the club-hopping, beer-guzzling,hottie-ogling Indian techie/investment banker/research analyst/(gourmet chef?) who are all ready to "try it out for a little while" , the Indian man sees no need to become "pot bellied and married" to the woman who gets to nag him.
The joy of marital bliss ? La-Di-Fuckin-Da!

"Its the same isn't it ? We will live under the same roof. She does not want children at this point either, so what's the difference between this and getting married. Atleast this way, if we find something about each other that is particularly unagreeable we can just call it off, without having to make that trip to Reno !"- said an investment research analyst who supposedly makes wise investment decisions .I continue to be amused ; By his enthusiasm to invest his time, energy even loyalty in a relationship that he hopes will go wrong some day - so he will have a good reason to call it off!

Yet I have heard it countless times. From a number of buddies who loosened up after a couple of drinks.
" Where is that nice sensible, funny, intelligent Indian girl I am looking for?All the nice ones I see want to get married or are taken!"-
And after this ,disheartening stories about the hopeless New York City dating scene come pouring out in a sickening dizzy.

"She was such a freak!"

"Going to bars to pick up women is so hopeless. 9/10 times the woman refuses the guy. What's the point?"

"She used me!! I took her to all the fancy places, great dinners for what ? She was great in the sack...but she found some one else who is more sensitive and loving apparently! I hate women!"

And yet they remain blind to the obvious-hand it all to them on a platter, and they are ready to run the other way. Laughable. Even pitiable.

Then there are the more forthright ones that I truly respect.I just hope they are just as forthright to the woman as well. "All I want is some free action in bed." -fair enough.

All men arent the same though. There are those with a long term relationship who are finally coming to a closure. Here's what they have to say " I have been dating her for over 5 years now. Can't expect her to wait any longer, so I figured I might as well get married to her!" - Thanks! For the rest of you life now, you can leave it to the woman to be charitable.You've done your part.

The truth is gone are the days when marriage and living together was upheld as a true commitment to stand by each other, more than anything else. To marry the woman of your dreams is something men disdainfully do to free the girl and her parents of their worries-all of which is followed by constant fearful anticipation on the guy's part of the pretty fairy deteriorating into the fat, child-bearing mother who has no time for him.I agree times have changed. We have a choice now. Men and women(both equally desparate ,albeit with completely different expectations from one another) are all over the place. You can date, abandon,live with your girl-friend to see if it works, look forward to abandon it all, regret, be too busy to regret till you are 30... and not be answerable to anyone. You dont know what you want. Your girl friend is the best thing that ever happenned to you. Yet you dont know if she is what you want for your life. You hope to figure it out at some point. Till then you can afford to be confused. After all its all available to you. So why even think about it? You have the freedom of messing around . After all you get to flirt with a girl at a bar, and not have to reel under the guilt of being a married man. If thats the temptation you aren't sure of, you wont exactly be able to get rid of it any way. Even if you get married at 40.

So my dear commitment phobic men, lets all make our lives easier. There are enough women in this post-salaam-namaste and post sex-and-the-city world who love commitment less dating action at all locations including the bed. And like Carrie Bradshaw, they aren't afraid to admit or ask for "good sex" if you may. But the same women, just like some of you, havent quite figured when they'd be ready get married and have kids but certainly want to do so at some point. All you have to do is in a sophisticated, civil sort of way, let the woman know that she is the hottie you want to have some fun with .She will welcome it merrily even take it as a compliment, and dump you conveniently when she finds someone who she wants to marry- a situation you are looking forward to anyway! Everybody wins! It's much easier than you think!